I so hate the word "obligation". I really do. Its such a powerful word, it never fails to prick at our conscience, and make us do "right" things that we never wanted to do in the first place.

When you're in a leadership position, you're obliged to stay longer and work harder than the rest, even when you are not getting paid extra for it or anything. There are no apparent tangible benefits, yet when you slip up or slow down, people will be breathing down your backs, harping incessantly, poking at your conscience, saying "what you should have done". But these people themselves fail to understand, that everybody has different lives, different schedules, different priorities in life, and of course, different commitments and responsibilities.

When you are the son or daughter, you have to live up to the expectations of your family, your parents. Be it in terms of academics, sports, music, or the arts, there will be some form of expectations of achievements that you have to live with, whether you match up to it or not. Even in terms of behaviour or lifestyle, there are certain things they expect of us. Must make it to a good university, preferably a popular course like law or medicine, and then graduate with splendid results, so that they can go around telling relatives that their child has made it good. Alternatively, they should venture into the financial sector, so that they can tell people that their child is working in a big bank and striking it rich. We must not drink or smoke, or go clubbing because only gangsters hooligans and rich kids utilise these outlets as an avenue to spend their never-ending money. We must not go home late because it is bad to sleep late. We should not go out and waste money and time. Come home, eat with parents, and study/work. Thats my good boy.

I got so many commitments now, which has somehow resulted in me having more needs than ever. I need sleep, loads of it. I need a car, to cut short my travelling time. Or alternatively, I need a hall, so I can have more sleep and travel less. I need time, to sleep, to travel, to do my work, to study, to have leftover time for my family, my gf and my friends. I do not even have the luxury of having a day that I can sit down at home and do nothing, nothing at all. Just rot in front of the tv and stone. I can't even have that. More than anything, I need trust and support, from my family, especially when it comes to my school commitments, my choice of friends, my lifestyles. I have never had their support all these years that I've already gotten used to it. I just end up going ahead with things myself, and not include them in the decision-making process. But ironically, at such a ripe old age, I find myself needing their support and trust more than ever, and of course with the situation remaining status quo, I find myself feeling all emotional and disappointed with them more than ever. It was only during NS that I started to truly realise the importance of family, because before that, my family life was one filled with quarrels, pent-up tension and stress. But it was only when I lacked the support of my family through difficult times did I realise their importance. And expecting more of them, which they expectedly failed to reach every time.

I am so tired, I just want to sleep, give up everything and sleep. I am so going to screw up this sem. I can feel it. I can already sense the backlash when they realise I cannot get my double major. For the value of my worth, to them, is how well I do academically. Nothing else matters.

Yes, nothing else matters. I don't want to give a fuck about anything anymore.